When I started writing 8 Hilariously Bad Intros in Video Games, I had no idea it would be as popular as it was, but I also didn’t know just how much fun it would be to write. That is still one of my favorite articles I’ve ever written, simply because I enjoyed ripping apart those horrible intro cutscenes for all I was worth. So why not do it again?
An introduction can make quite a bit of difference for a video game, as it is meant to prep the player for what lies ahead, to whet their appetite, as it were. Still, there are great games with terrible intros, and there are terrible games with great intros. So don’t judge any of these games by their intros if you haven’t played them – but you can be assured I’ll tell you if they’re crap.
Here’s 11 MORE terrible intro cutscenes.
Beat Down: Fists of Vengeance (PS2)
Here’s what I picture happening: the cutscene director got all the animators, modelers, and the voice director in a meeting room, and said, “Alright, here’s what I want, plain and simple. I want a bunch of interesting gangster-types walking through a dock to a warehouse. I want them talking about a deal and something called the Cartel, and I want them to be betrayed when they get there. Any questions?”
“Do you want to give us any particular direction?”
“Nope! I’m knocking off for lunch! Get it done!”
And then, since most of his crew were just out of college, some of them took their jobs seriously, and others didn’t. That would explain the goofy character design, the horrible voice casting (Gina’s actress is trying to sound ghetto when I’m pretty sure she’s never been within 50 miles of one), the impressively slow speed at which everyone moves, and the completely undefinable accent that Raven has. Seriously, there isn’t a single accent I can think of where the word “crap” would be mispronounced that badly.
Blue Stinger (DC)
This is probably cheating, considering I already ripped this intro apart in my video review of Blue Stinger – so if you’ve seen that, this will be instantly familiar to you. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it now. I’ll wait.
We’re shown the meteor that killed the dinosaurs, and then there’s a text scroll explaining some confusing backstory. Then, suddenly, it’s present day, and we see a small fishing boat off the shore of the island. Eliot is trying to figure out how his hands work, then he decides to have a hilariously awkward conversation with his “friend” Tim, filled with weird pauses and mouths that don’t work right. And the music is ridiculously exciting, considering they’re just sitting there talking about decorating the boat.
The meteor hits, and a huge bubble expands out from the island. Eliot flops over while Tim is frozen in place. And a blue spark comes out to the boat for no apparent reason, and chooses a form from Tim’s decoration. She points out the cloud of mutant wasps headed his way, he jumps off the boat, and she leaves him to drown.
Adventures of Willy Beamish (PC)
The opening credits do not inspire confidence. The bleeps and boops are more reminiscent of an NES game – but then this came out in 1991, and I’m not sure if that counts as a strike against or praise for the music….anyway, once that aural pain ends, we’re informed that Principal Frick is addressing….the principal’s name is FRICK?!
There’s an assembly, and as any good student would, Willy is sleeping through it when his frog….completely inappropriately named Horny, jumps out of Willy’s pocket and knocks the principal’s toupee off. Then, in detention, Willy’s dreaming about the….ugh….Nintari Championship, and apparently, he’s in the final, when suddenly he loses thanks to the intervention of the grandma from Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey. Some kid with a five-o-clock shadow tries to get out of class, and when she says no, a fat kid speaks up, and she calls him “Chubby”.
This was probably supposed to appeal to kids and teens, but as I recall, it was lame back then, and it’s even worse now, but in a kind of hilarious way – it’s better with the voices. Having said that, as adventure games go, the game itself isn’t that bad.
Read the original 8 Hilariously Bad Intros in Video Games here!
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