It’s that time of the…time again, when all the best video game characters from across the world to see who is the best at a completely arbitrary set of tasks. It’s time for the Video Game Olympics. Here is a small sampling of some of the more exciting events, along with the medal winners.
Diving-Women’s 10m platform: Samus Aran (Metroid): As everybody knows, diving is all about style. Now, I’m no Olympic judge or anything, at least in diving, but it seems to me that Samus’s awesome and extremely painful-looking ability to turn herself into a tiny ball would be invaluable on the diving platform. The finesse and grace she brings to the table make her a natural at the sport, and the always-present fear of a missile to the face ensures the judges will stay honest. I’m excited about catching this event mainly because I’ve always wanted to see Samus do her ball-thing without her armor. How exactly does that work? Silver: Lara Croft (Tomb Raider) Bronze: Sheik (Ocarina of Time)
Cycling-Men’s cross-country: Doc (Punch-Out!!!): The man has been practicing his cycling for over twenty years, and he hasn’t aged a bit. I think he’s ready for Olympic competition, and as good as his competition is, experience wins out this time. Under the guise of training that loser Little Mac, Doc has actually been preparing to win gold in the Video Game Olympics. A true success story, Doc is a symbol for every slightly overweight older man that ever wanted to prove something. Sadly, Doc’s celebration was cut short when he learned that Little Mac had been brutally beaten within an inch of life in his first Olympic bout. He was fighting guys literally three times his size, what the hell did they think would happen? His status is stable, but doctors say he’s not out of the woods yet. Disclaimer: Despite his name, Doc is not an actual doctor. Silver: Paperboy (Paperboy) Bronze: C.J. (San Andreas)
Archery-Men’s individual: Link: Link has been shooting a bow for longer than some gamers have been walking, and you have to love the fierceness he brings to the table. His collection of battle screams, which includes such gems as “hyah”, “hraw” and “heeyah”, is disturbingly unsettling for the competition, and his familiarity with both 2D and 3D planes gives him a perspective edge. His victory was short-lived, however. Sadly, Link has since been banned from Olympic play, and had to forfeit his other gold medal in weightlifting, as he was caught using the power glove. Silver: Archer (Final Fantasy Tactics) Bronze: Buttface Archer (Castle Crashers)
Table tennis-Men’s doubles: The Pong Paddles: Again, it’s impossible to overstate the importance of experience in the Olympics, it can really be the difference between standing on the podium or hanging out with the Goombas. As one of the forefathers of the modern videogame, the Pong Paddles have decided to put aside their differences and end their eternal grudge match. In doing so, they created the most dominant table tennis team the world has ever known, giving a display of prowess that would make Forest Gump proud. Seriously, nobody even came close, and the Asians were well represented. Silver: Goro and Sheeva Bronze: Tidus and Wakka
Fencing-Individual sabre: Raphael: He was the only character at the 2012 Video Game Olympics that trained for the event, and all the other guys just kept killing each other, so….yeah. Silver: N/A Bronze: N/A